Every now and then the gods of the Greek pantheon step down from Mount Olympus to share their wisdom with us mere mortals. And we can’t think of anyone better than Ares to provide valuable insights on how to raise reasonable, well-adjusted, and emotionally mature children.

After all, how does that old saying go? “Raising kids is like fighting a war.”

No? That’s not an old saying? Regardless, Ares has a lot of thoughts to share on the matter. (And so does one of his demigod brats, who barged in here without asking.)

The Importance of Being a Strong Role Model (As in Physically)

Ares:
“I’ll keep this simple. Children make you weak. And yes, I mean that literally. Every minute you spend changing a diaper or helping your kid with algebra homework is one less minute you could be blasting your quads or tightening your glutes. And speaking from experience, children make terrible spotters when you’re lifting weights.”

Clarisse:
“Is that another excuse for not why you weren’t around when I was growing up?”

Ares:
“Your kids may not realize it, but they would rather have a powerful father than a loving father.”

Clarisse:
“Dad, we talked about this . . .”

Ares:
“Right. Allegedly, you can be both powerful and loving. But it’s not an even split. It comes down to being 70 percent powerful, 30 percent loving. Maybe closer to 80/20. I’m still working out the exact number.”

The Three N’s of Fatherhood

Ares:
“Nurture, nourish, and neglect. Nurture their love for battle. Nourish them in the flames of war.”

Clarisse:
“And neglect them when they need you the most.”

Ares:
“Wow! How did you know that was exactly what I was going to say?”

Clarisse:
“I was being sarcastic . . .”

Ares:
“Brilliant! Sarcasm is an important tool in the realm of psychological warfare. That level of strategic thinking can only be achieved after years of healthy fatherly neglect.”

Clarisse:
“Still not worth it!”

Ares:
“Ha-ha! More sarcasm! I love it!”

Building a Powerful Community of Fathers (Again, as in Physically)

Ares:
“Occasionally I meet with the other fathers in the pantheon to compare notes and strategies. It’s a good way to learn about the important things, like how to set boundaries, how to provide positive reinforcement, and which of our kids could beat up the other ones.”

Clarisse:
“As if that’s any contest when it comes to the children of Ares!”

Ares:
“That’s right! Imagine the kids of wimpy gods like Poseidon hoping to win any battle against my offspring!”

Clarisse:
“Hey, wait! Didn’t his son kick your butt that one time?”

Ares:
“Nothing more than unsubstantiated rumor. You have no proof!”

Clarisse:
“I don’t know. That’s not what the campers have been saying . . .

Ares:
“There were no witnesses!”

Knowing When to Step Back

Ares:
“As the god of war, it can be a real challenge for me to sit back and watch a fight instead of participate in one. But at the end of the day, that’s what fatherhood is all about. Of course, you have to make sure your kids are sufficiently armed to the teeth if they’re going to survive in the harsh world of mortals. But after you provide them with your blessing and point out their enemies’ weak spots, all you can do is watch with pride as they head forth and conquer their destiny . . .

Clarisse:
“And dunk nerds into toilets.”

Ares:
“And dunk nerds into toilets. . . I’m so proud of how she turned out.”

Many thanks to Ares and Clarisse for their very interesting perspectives on parenthood! What do you think? Is Ares a good father? Which Greek god would you want as a parent? Be sure to let us know!