Finding it hard to settle into a good night’s sleep recently? You’re not the only one. Between the late-night visions, prophecies, and the spirits calling out from beyond, we hear that many people have been struggling to meet those recommended 8 hours of rest.
That’s why we had planned to speak to our new friend, Hypnos, the god of sleep, for some guidance on how we can stop tossing, turning, and waking up in a cold sweat night after night. But once his mother, Nyx, got word of our planned interview, she decided to make, well . . . an executive decision to take over for him. Naturally, Hypnos didn’t put up much of a fight.
And who are we to argue with the legendary (and universally feared) primordial goddess? After all, in her own words, “Who knows more about harnessing the power of night than I?”
The issue? We’re not entirely sure her definition of a good night’s sleep aligns with our own. We’ll let you decide for yourself.
Step 1- Immerse Yourself in Complete Darkness
“Don’t get the wrong idea. I am not just saying this because I am the protogenos of night. I genuinely believe that warmth and sunlight are harmful to all beings, mortal or otherwise. While spending some time—ugh—outside on a sunny day may feel good at first, the more time you spend basking in the light, the more you run the risk of getting burned.
“And of course I’m using sunlight as a metaphor for love and connection. You got that, right? Am I being clear enough for your audience?
“. . . No, I don’t know what sunblock is and quite frankly, I don’t care to find out.”
Step 2- Create a Vacuum of Total Silence
“We all know the sheer power of darkness. But darkness without silence feels . . . incomplete. To put it in human terms, imagine peanut butter without jelly. Or shampoo without conditioner. Or world domination without complete control of your subjects.
“Okay, I admit that analogies aren’t exactly my strong suit.
“My point is, who can know peace without proper silence? For example, many of the restless souls down in the Underworld ceaselessly cry out in torment. I can’t help but think that they’d feel so much better if they just kept those horrible sounds to themselves. I know I would. Perhaps I should show them something really worth screaming about . . .”
Step 3- Embrace Your Night Terrors
“And speaking of screaming, I always find it silly when mortals wake up from their nightmares in a state of panic. Do not be afraid of the visions you see in your subconscious mind. They can’t hurt you. Most of the time . . .
“The next time a shadowy visitor appears to you in a dream, do not cower in fright. Instead, listen closely to what they have to say. Be grateful that they took time out of their busy schedule to communicate with a powerless worm such as yourself.
“Trust me, they could have used a much different tactic to garner your attention.”
Step 4- Submit to the Endless Black Void at the Center of Your Soul
“Sleep is only the first stage of the endless night that awaits you all. Does it not feel glorious to accept your true destiny and stop fighting the darkness at the core of your very being?
“You mortals (and you demigods) are so wrapped up in the meaningless cares and worries of your mundane lives, struggling hopelessly against your better natures. You are doomed to never know true sleep if you ignore the voice in the back of your mind telling you to embrace Mother Night as your one true queen. Give in already!”
Step 5- Cuddle with a Beloved Pet
“If none of the above works for you, maybe you just need the companionship of a furry friend. I always find that I sleep better when I’m curled up next to my dear Cerberus, even if one of those heads has a huge snoring problem.
“I would also recommend some Sleepy-Time tea. The one with the cozy little bear on the package. So cute!”
Note: Nyx’s final answer was a bit too horrifying to share with general audiences, so our writing team took some creative liberties with her speech (please don’t tell her!). We’re sure, though, that she would agree with the tea recommendation. Although we’re a little too nervous to schedule a follow-up at this time.
Regardless, we would like to thank Nyx for all her interesting suggestions and for reminding us all that sometimes the most practical solution for avoiding nightmares is to chug tons of coffee and energy drinks to avoid bedtime altogether.