Wanted: Security guard for the Smithsonian National Museum of African Art

Responsibilities: Guarding the Midnight Drum, an ancient artifact that houses Nana Bekoe, the most powerful and dangerous vampire witch who ever lived

Qualifications: Must be reptilian. Two heads not required but encouraged. No college degree necessary.

We all know it’s not easy being green. But we also know it’s even harder to find a cushy, well-paying job in the DC Metro area. Especially when you have two mouths to feed. But if Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu can teach us anything, it’s that, given the right opportunities, we can all find purpose and meaning in this crazy, mixed-up world. Even if we started life as a statue.

At least that’s what one of their heads thinks, anyway.

Crocodile Talk

We get it. The only thing scarier than a crocodile is a crocodile with two heads. And the only thing scarier than a crocodile with two heads is one that argues with itself over what to do with visitors who step over the line. But Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu doesn’t want to eat humans (they will, but only as a last resort). If your intentions are pure, Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu can be a useful ally. Just so long as you get on their good side (but which side is that?).

As an Adinkra (a Ghanaian symbol used to convey complex messages), Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu expresses the power of cooperation. While crocodiles are generally very independent, Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu has no choice but to work together. There’s an important lesson to be learned here. But to be honest, we’re a little too distracted to figure out what it is. We’re just trying to determine which head has the sharper teeth.

Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosey

The two heads of Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu could not be more diametrically opposed. Righty is energetic and full of life, while Lefty is more . . . somber and ponderous (which is a nice way of saying that Lefty is totally the crybaby). In short, Righty is the one you want to take to the party, and Lefty is the one you want to stay up with all night discussing the true nature of existence.

Unfortunately, guarding the future home of the Ghanaian Visionary Artists Collection at the Smithsonian is a full-time job. And between sporadic visits from Grandpa Amankwah, life can get pretty lonely for Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu. Just because they share a tail, a digestive system, and an appetite for raw meat doesn’t mean that the two heads have a lot to talk about.

See You Later, Alligator

But who knows? Maybe that strange young woman spotted wandering around the lowest level of the museum would like to be their friend. Sure, she may have been asking a few too many questions about the upcoming exhibit. And it was a bit suspicious how she had knowledge of the ancient artifacts in it . . .

But at least she didn’t know the secret code to get past Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu and enter the storage room. Only two people in the entire world can be trusted with that information. It’s a short list, and Serwa Boateng is most definitely not on it.

And besides, why would she, of all people, want access to the Midnight Drum? Isn’t she supposed to be a vampire slayer, not a vampire savior? It’ll take more than two heads to figure that one out. It might also take more than two heads to stop her if she is really committed to getting into that room.

After a While, Crocodile

Besides, if Serwa were somehow able to free the Midnight Drum from the Smithsonian, she would risk not only igniting a new war between the Abomofuo and obayifo but also ruining any potential friendship with Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu. And that would make Lefty very, very sad.

And one less friend from the outside world means one less opportunity for Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu to pursue their true dream: finally leaving the museum for once in their life. Is DC ready for an enchanted crocodile with two heads wandering around the city? We’re not sure, but maybe we can all learn a thing or two from Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu about what it means to share the world with those who are different from us. A lesson that both the Abomofuo and obayifo could stand to learn.

Or maybe the only thing we’ll learn is that it’s a lot of fun to ride on their back. Dibs on the spot behind Righty’s head!

Want to see more of Funtunfunefu-Denkyemfunefu? Be sure to pre-order your copy of Serwa Boateng’s Guide to Witchcraft and Mayhem, today!