For us mortals, the world beyond the Mist is shrouded in mystery and uncertainty. Ever since The Lightning Thief, we’ve had to accept the fact that there are some things about the realm of the Greek gods we’ll never be privy to. And honestly, we’re fine with that. For the most part.

There is one puzzle that sometimes keeps us up at night, though: Where exactly do the monsters go when they get dirty? You know, how does the Minotaur wash all that demigod blood out of his fur? How do the Furies get to those hard-to-reach places on the back of their wings? How do horned serpents keep their scales so shiny and neat?

These questions have been driving us nuts for years! But now, our prayers have finally been answered. We’ve just learned of the existence of the River Elisson. The crystal-clear magical water of this river can supposedly clean anything.

Unfortunately, the river disappeared from Greece, so we’re not entirely sure how to get there. And, after learning more about the river god who guards the Ellison, we’re not entirely sure we want to . . .

Mr. Clean

Don’t be fooled by the loose pants and the man-bun. Elisson is far from the epitome of inner peace and tranquility. River gods tend to have a reputation for being cranky and unfriendly, especially to demigods. And Elisson is no exception. Considering all the unwelcome visits from stinky monsters, Elisson might actually be the most bitter and spiteful of all the river deities.

After years and years of people taking advantage of his clean waters, Elisson packed up and moved his river to a secret location no one would visit.

You’ll never guess what happened next! That’s right—they visited.

So, maybe Elisson is forever doomed to having his waters polluted by the children of Mother Nature. At the very least, he can implement a set of draconian rules and guidelines to make sure they don’t overstay their welcome. If you want anarchy, go jump in the Hudson! (Note: please don’t actually jump in the Hudson.)

Warrior Pose

Elisson’s rules are simple and straightforward:

Horned serpents can bathe on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Furies and other Underworld minions can bathe on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Everyone must take off their shoes before entering the waters. And above all else, visitors can only bathe the lower pools. Elisson’s headwaters are completely off-limits.

It’s not an official rule, but we would recommend not making fun of the man-bun, either.

Oh, we almost forgot! There’s one more minor rule: ABSOLUTELY NO DEMIGODS ALLOWED.

As it turns out, the only beings Elisson resents more than monsters are demigods. We’re not entirely sure why Elisson has such disdain for the gods’ offspring, but we do have to admit that they usually leave the room a bigger mess than when they walked in.

But aside from Ares’s children occasionally dunking dorks into the toilets at Camp Half-Blood, we can’t imagine that most demigods are into water pollution. So, where does Elisson’s hatred of these kids really come from?

Go with the Flow

We hate to say it, but some demigods think they can bypass rules by dropping the name of their famous parent. As if the mere mention of a Greek god or goddess will allow them to skip to the front of the line.

It’s the classic “Don’t you know who my father is?” tactic. Except instead of referencing some notable politician or celebrity, these kids expect others to be in awe of the Greek god of farming.

As we all know, demigods trained at Camp Half-Blood don’t evoke the names of their godly parents in order to open exclusive doors. At least, not usually. They have too much integrity (and parental issues) to pull that particular card.

Flushed Away

But let’s say a certain aquatic demigod accidentally slipped up and decided to go swimming in Elisson’s hidden river without express written permission. And what if he tried to justify his transgression by claiming that his daddy has dominion over all earthly bodies of water?

Well, he would be breaking the biggest unspoken rule: Don’t make Elisson feel small.

If there’s one thing Elisson hates more than anything (including entitled demigods), it’s being treated as a lesser river. Maybe that kind of attitude flies at Lake Huron, but not here. Just because he’s hidden his river away from the world doesn’t mean that Elisson isn’t a mover and shaker.

But is he a big enough deal to drown a certain rule-breaking son of Poseidon once and for all? His legion of followers seem to think so. After all, there’s a six-month waiting list to get into his vinyasa flow class.

Want to see more of Elisson? Be sure to catch him in Percy Jackson and the Chalice of the Gods, on sale now!