No, this isn’t a trick. Now that Halloween is officially upon us, we have a very special treat for you all. The one and only ghost of Peter Stuyvesant has generously agreed to take time out of his very busy schedule to share his thoughts on what we can only assume is his favorite day of the year.

Trust us, there are many ghosts, phantoms, spirits, and specters we could have invited to help with this year’s Halloween guide, but we simply couldn’t resist a sit-down with uh, good ol’ Pete. After all, he has been out of commission for a long time.

So long, in fact, that we’re willing to assume that a fair number of our readers aren’t 100% sure of who he is.

Well, what do we look like? Your history teacher? What you need to know is that Peter (or Petrus, if you’re fancy) was one of those Dutch military dudes who helped shape New York City in the 1600s, back when the city was known as New Amsterdam. And (you didn’t hear it from us) but his reputation is a bit . . . problematic.

However, thanks to his recent revival (something to do with teenage demigods, we think? Hard to keep track of that stuff.), Peter is finally back in the city that bears his name on what seems like dozens of buildings, statues, and street signs.

So, when he demanded a platform on which to share his views about the most ghoulish day of the year, how could we refuse? Incorporeal or not, Stuyvesant isn’t someone you want to disappoint. Otherwise, you run the risk of making his “naughty list.” Which, admittedly, is extremely long.

But we’re sure that Peter is willing to chill out, drop the chip on his shoulder (no, that’s his epaulet), and help us all discover how to ensure that this Halloween is one we won’t soon forget.

Review the Venue

“Bah! Best of luck finding an appropriate location for merriment in this wretched metropolis. Manhattan has become a monstrosity in my absence. The garbage. The giant towers. The people. I find it all quite hard to stomach.

“This is clearly a product my mother’s legacy. The crossroads have ever been her domain. And all her roads lead to evil . . . or overpriced coffee shops.

“My advice for those who are actually looking to celebrate this horrible pagan holiday? Speak to the board of directors at your local multinational trading company and request approval for an expedition to an island that hasn’t been ensorcelled by the black magic of a wicked witch goddess. And don’t even think of entering her sinister manse on this terrible night. Not even for a lark.

“Although my men have done a fine job of renovating her dark place of dwelling. Still, don’t you dare enter that cursed building. No matter how sharp and precise the new molding in the grand foyer may appear from the outside . . . Okay, perhaps a quick peek wouldn’t hurt too much.”

Don’t Skimp on the Decorations

“Regardless! Clearly, the people of the 21st century lack an eye for aesthetic beauty. Everywhere I look, there are nothing but tasteless tributes to heresy and witchcraft. Twelve-foot-tall statues of skeletons with glowing eye sockets. False tombstones made of a strange, unholy material known as “plastic.” Precious pumpkins (which are a delicacy) thoughtlessly hacked into.

“And don’t get me started on those shrieking, formless blobs of white that are somehow supposed to represent undead spirits. Those of us of the ghostly persuasion don’t look like that! We are the same beings we were when we were flesh and blood . . . just slightly more glowing and intangible. And trust us, we have much better things to do with our time than haunt hapless peasants and vocalize trivialities such as ‘Boooo’ and ‘Whooaaooo.’

“Yes, I will admit that those sounds are bit fun to make. But that is simply not the proper conduct of the former standing Director-General of New Netherland.

“You wouldn’t happen to know if that, uh, particular office is still open, would you?”

Dress to Impress

“And oh, the costumes that you people of the 21st century year don on this horrible day. How can you possess any self-respect when dressed as a bug or a cat, or in brightly colored tights?

“Attire serves two purposes, and two purposes only. One, to signify your place in society. And two, for pure practicality.

“Wide hats, puffy sleeves, wide breeches, and capes. Masculine chiffons draped over casual iron breastplates. These articles of clothing clearly serve both functions perfectly.

“And no, I won’t pretend that I haven’t caught you all staring. How tragic it is that after more than 400 years of progress I am still on the cutting edge of fashion.”

Invite the Right Friends

“Naturally, my loyal companions continue to serve my needs even after my death. Would I call them my friends? Hmm, I suppose that would depend on one’s personal definition of friendship.

“If one measures friendship by undying loyalty and commitment to the cause of a strong and superior authority figure, then yes, I have many friends.

“If one measures friendship by time spent together throwing fatuous parties and gatherings, well, I would find that person’s priorities highly suspect. My compatriots rarely ever partake in such timewasters.

“The few times I did discover my men celebrating a birthday or engagement during their off-hours, they assured me it was purely a last-minute decision. Or that my invitation got lost. Or they believed that I was busy with administrative matters when, in reality, my night was wide open. Perfectly reasonable explanations, if you ask me.

“Explanations that I would be silly to dwell on or think twice about. I have far more important matters to contemplate.

“Yes. Perfectly silly . . .”

Go Big or Go Home (Seriously, Go Home)

“But enough irrelevant tangents! It is far past time that I get to the final point regarding this cursed Hallows’ Eve. Those whom I catch paying tribute to Hecate will suffer my immortal wrath.

“Heed these words. I have been awoken from my eternal slumber to find a dark and fallen world. One that calls for a purifying flame only I can light. So, enjoy your licorice root sweets and sugared orange rinds while you can, because those who have pledged their souls to the goddess of witchcraft will soon face retribution.

“What’s that? You’ve never tasted licorice root or sugared orange rinds?

“ . . . No, I don’t know what a Twizzler is. But it sounds heretical.

“No more of this nonsense. Retrieve my ghost horse at once! I have tarried too long. My rapier and I have an appointment with a pair of impetuous demigods. And I would certainly hate to be late . . .”

There you have it, folks! Better make the most of this year’s Halloween. Because if you encounter the ghost of Peter Stuyvesant this year, it may very well be your last.

If you do, be sure to ask him about the best place to procure a cape. We totally forgot to get that info from him before he rode off.

Will Peter succeed in his mission to ruin Halloween for everyone? See more of him in Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Wrath of the Triple Goddess, on sale now!