For years we’ve watched with envy as demigods from across the globe venture to Long Island for an unforgettable summer at Camp Half-Blood. Even those who initially don’t want to go are inevitably treated to incredible powers, thrilling adventures, lifelong friendships, and maybe even a whirlwind romance.

Meanwhile, we lowly mortals are left with nothing more than a deflated tetherball and a medal for participating in the arts-and-crafts contest. Let’s be honest, our summer camp experiences are never going to inspire a single book, let alone a spin-off or Hollywood adaptation.

If you’re searching for the definitive demigod experience, Camp Half-Blood is one of only two options. But the camp is notoriously impossible to get into unless you possess some form of godly lineage.

While we can’t guarantee you actual entrance into this legendary training ground for Greeks, we can help you imagine it by sharing some suggestions informed by prior trespassers. (Note, this thought experiment is for educational purposes only.)

With some determination and a lot of luck, you’ll be capturing the flag with your new demigod pals in no time! (Theoretically, of course.)

Try It the Old-Fashioned Way

We can already hear the protests. “You can’t enter Camp Half-Blood because of Thalia’s Pine Tree! Everyone knows that!” Trust us, we know all about that pesky magic barrier. We’ve heard it all before. You don’t even need to mention the dragon.

Here’s the thing, though. How much do we really know about that magic barrier? Like, how far does it extend underground? How long can it last if the golden fleece goes missing? And exactly how loyal is the guardian dragon, Peleus? Might he be persuaded to look the other way with treats and belly rubs?

Your best bet is to stay calm, be cool, and above all else, don’t come across as a threat. In other words, leave the chainsaw at home. Unless, of course, you have your heart set on joining the hunters of Artemis instead. We’re pretty sure they still have room on their mantel . . .

Fake It till You Make It

If you did somehow manage to find a flaw in the security system and get onto the grounds, you would still have to explain who you are to a bunch of skeptical counselors and campers. In this event, we suggest that you casually proclaim you’re the child of some obscure nobody, like Eubouleus or Hymenaios, and pray that nobody asks any further questions.

And if you start spreading the rumor about your lineage long before summer, who knows? Maybe one of your besties will reveal to you that they’re a satyr in disguise. With enough encouragement, they may feel compelled to bring you to CHB themselves. You can work out the finer details once you arrive. At this stage, focus primarily on constructing the most convincing minotaur you can out of papier-mâché.

Hitch a Ride

And speaking of monsters, while we don’t condone the behavior of those beasts who regularly attempt to breach the camp’s barrier, we also can’t deny a golden opportunity when we see one. While most evil creatures fail in their attempt to invade the campgrounds, you might get lucky enough to ally yourself with an especially competent giant or latch onto the back of an unstoppable automation.

If you’re not willing to sell your soul for a longshot chance of success, why not try a more subtle approach? We see the Gray Sisters’ Taxi driving back and forth from Manhattan all the time. How hard can it be to convince three old women with one shared eyeball that you’re the same demigod they just dropped off in the city? Just tell the sisters you have to go back to camp because you forgot your toothbrush, and then be sure to hang on tight.

If all else fails, consider pledging fealty to the one force in the universe who got closest to the center of camp. Gaea may not be in the best shape these days, but it’s only a matter of time before she reconstitutes and exacts her revenge. Naturally, Camp Half-Blood will be the first stop on her retribution tour. And amid all the chaos and mayhem of her return, you could freely tour the campgrounds yourself.

In that event, you’d only have a few minutes to snap some quality pics of landmarks such as the Grove of Dodona and the Cave of the Oracle before those spots are completely smashed by the Earth Mother. Or before you’re captured and subdued by angry demigods, whichever comes first. Either way, you’re going to want to capture a few memories of your trip before you’re tossed down into Tartarus. Hey, hey! Two life-changing trips for the price of one!

Try a Different Camp Instead

Why limit yourself to simply one option? Gaining entrance to the other demigod training ground, Camp Jupiter, presents its own unique set of problems, but once you’re inside, the path to Camp Half-Blood becomes clearer than ever. Just wait for an unhinged augur to become restless and you can join their campaign to invade CHB.

Embed yourself into the legion, sit back, and wait for the catapults to do their job. Once you’re on the other side, pull an orange shirt over your purple one, and no one will be the wiser. But why you would want to betray your comrades to those crybaby Greeks after spending so much time with the vastly superior Roman forces is beyond us.

At this point, you may be tempted to give up and accept the fact that Camp Half-Blood is completely inaccessible. Those Greeks have transformed gatekeeping into an art form, and you may never be able behold Zeus’s famous Poop Pile (or whatever it’s called) with your own eyes. But there’s always hope. If all else fails, you could simply get a job at Apollo’s favorite pizza spot on Long Island and wait for him to call in a delivery. It wouldn’t be the first time . . .

Do you have any ideas on how to make it into Camp Half-Blood yourself this summer? Be sure to let us know!