Attention all birdwatching enthusiasts! The rare Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar has been spotted in San Francisco!

Or at least that’s what we’ve heard, according to recent reports. We’re not entirely sure how these infrequent fliers found their way to the West Coast of the United States, but we’re not about to look a gift owl in the mouth. We’ve also heard rumors of various other non-native birds suddenly appearing in SF, such as the Javan Green Magpie and the Great Albatross.

But don’t get too caught up in the ecological ramifications of these international birds somehow traveling great distances to gather in one specific city for unknown and potentially catastrophic reasons. Instead, grab your binoculars, gather your friends, and head off to Golden Gate City to catch a glimpse of these adorable avians before it’s too late.

And who knows? The Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar may be much closer than you think.

The Eyes Have It

We’re going to go out on a limb and assume that the vast majority of our readers have never encountered, or maybe even heard of the Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar. Not that we’re insulting anyone’s birding skills. There are only about fifty Enigmatic Owlet Nightjars left in the world.

The Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar is so rare that you may not even be able to find credible or useful information about these birds online. In other words, here’s your next opportunity to go viral!

But first, you need to know what you’re looking for. Fortunately, the Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar is so unique that if you ever do encounter one in real life, you’re not likely to mistake it for your standard pigeon or seagull. You can identify them by their long, rounded tail and huge orange eyes that almost seem to scream Help me! I’m not a bird! I’m a human being! You must help me! Please!

Ah, the mysteries and wonders of the animal kingdom never cease to amaze.

Just Wing It

The unique nature of the Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar’s appearance is matched only by its singular behavior. Their movements are often unpredictable, and they have an unfortunate tendency to roost on busy roads and intersections. Maybe not the best idea for a member of an endangered species, but who are we to judge?

At least the Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar is adept at navigating in the dark, so hopefully that will prevent most of them from becoming roadkill on the Golden Gate Bridge. Then again, several other rare birds in the area seem to have been struggling to adhere to their typical migration patterns . . .

All this is to say, don’t rely on your eyes alone. Enigmatic Owlet Nightjars can also be identified by their unusually strong vocalizations. Keep an ear out for their trademark birdsong: a haunting high note followed by two descending notes. Experts claim that this song is used to communicate the following:

“Where are my other Enigmatic Owlet Nightjars at?”

“Actually, where am I right now?”

“Wait. What city is this?”

“Why am I so sweaty all of a sudden?”

“What happened to my body?!”

“Aaaagghhh!”

Owl You Need is Love

The trick, however, is to distinguish the Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar’s song from that of random humans who—for some inexplicable reason—have started to whistle the exact same tune. Maybe it’s an elaborate city-wide prank. Maybe it’s the latest social media trend. All we know is that, these days, you can’t walk two blocks down the street in San Francisco without a gross, fleshy human breaking into birdsong. Yuck! Stay in your lane!

And that’s just one of many societal problems plaguing our great city. Lack of affordable housing. Economic disparity. Unchaperoned youths driving around in vans and throwing pies at people.

If you ask us, the city is on the verge of a crisis. Thankfully, we don’t need a spotting scope or a field guide to identify the right man to turn it around. That’s right, we’re talking about mayoral candidate Ned Gu.

Don’t forget, Ned Gu isn’t your traditional politician—he’s an activist. And he’s promised to bring state-of-the-art and environmentally friendly solutions to help transform City by the Bay into something magical. And best of all, Ned Gu is a true-blue friend and ally to the local birding community.

It’s true that Gu hasn’t actually proposed any new policies designed to protect birds and their habitats. But we can tell just from the way he speaks that he has our best interests at heart.

Their best interests, we mean. Sorry about that. Slip of the tongue. Yeah, that’s it. A totally normal thing that totally normal human beings do from time to time.

Want to learn more about the Enigmatic Owlet Nightjar? Be sure to pick up Winston Chu vs. The Wingmeisters, on sale 2/6!