The decision to adopt an animal is not one you should take lightly. First, consider the basic facts. You crave the love and loyalty of a dog, but your parents say that they’re a big responsibility (translation: they think you’re too lazy to pick up their poop. And honestly, they may be right). Cats are cute and adorable, but we read somewhere that they’re genetically incapable of showing affection toward human beings and they secretly dream of eating our eyeballs.
A bird will talk back. A turtle will outlive you. And a ferret will prevent most of your friends from ever coming over again.
But the biggest problem with these animals? They only have one head and tail. That’s a total rip-off if you ask us.
Fortunately, we know of a beast that combines the greatest traits of the noble lion, the mighty snake, and the, uh, humble goat. We’re talking of course about the Chimera, the deadly animal mash-up that gave Percy Jackson a lesson in air resistance during the events of The Lightning Thief. We’ve been waiting for the opportunity to take the little scamp home with us ever since.
Understand the Anatomy
For those of us who can’t see beyond the Mist (yet), we can only describe the body of the Chimera based on reports we’ve heard from third-party sources. The consensus seems to be that the Chimera possesses the body of a lion, the horns of a goat, and a snake for a tail. Some people have sworn that the Chimera possesses three heads, but those could have been hallucinations brought on by the stress of nearly being devoured.
What we can confirm is that the Chimera sometimes takes the form of your average, everyday chihuahua in order to get the jump on unsuspecting demigods. Unsure if the little doggie on the train sitting in the nice old lady’s lap is about to ruin your vacation and start breathing fire all over the place? Be sure to check the nametag on the rhinestone collar. Just don’t get too close. Otherwise, you run the risk of getting your hand or face chomped by the Chimera’s venomous fangs.
This reminds us: it’s never too early to begin drafting that non-liability contract for any future Chimera trainers and healthcare providers!
Learn the History
After scouring almost every pet store in the tri-county area, we feel relatively safe in assuming that the Chimera is one of a kind. Even if other Chimeras exist somewhere out in the wild, we know what you’re thinking: I want the one that almost killed Percy Jackson! And we totally understand the desire.
But where exactly did the Chimera come from? As it turns out, she’s not the offspring of three adventurous animals. No, she’s actually the daughter of Echidna, mother of all monsters, and Typhon, the freaky Storm Giant (and son of the earth goddess herself, Gaea). Don’t ask us how the biology works. There are quite a few weirdos in that particular family tree. Probably best not to think about it too much.
What, you’re just now discovering that the Chimera is a girl? Where have you been for the last two dozen centuries?
Practice Patience
You should be forewarned that, even after thousands of years, the Chimera never grew out of her rebellious teenage phase. As we all know, at a certain age, kittens and puppies transform from innocent balls of fluff into destructive agents of chaos that exist solely to scratch up furniture and eat socks.
For the Chimera, replace “furniture” and “socks” with “innocent villagers” and “entire kingdoms” and you’ll start to get a better idea of what you’re going to be dealing with. As with other challenging pets, we recommend exercise over strict discipline and developing constructive outlets for her restless aggression. Partially for the sake of her growth and development, and partially because we would hate to see any of our readers fried to a crisp. Again.
Be Mindful of Her Mama
Who can say whether the Chimera is fully bad to the bone, or if her anti-social personality is a product of nurture rather than nature? We’re inclined to place most of the blame on the owner. Or in this case, the mother. Not only is Echidna something of a malevolent monster herself, but she is also the mother of almost all the famous nasties you would recognize from Greek Mythology 101.
The Nemean Lion, the Hydra, the Sphinx, the Manticore, Cerberus . . . These are just a few of the creatures that call Echidna Mommy. And with so many children to look after, we can’t imagine Echidna would mind too much if someone took the Chimera off her hands for a little while. Sure, she may be vicious, manipulative, and controlling, but that doesn’t mean she’s possessive. Or at least we hope not.
The real challenge is finding a way to lure the Chimera herself away from her mother’s loving clutches . . .
Treat Her to a Balanced Diet
Convincing the Chimera to do anything not commanded by Echidna directly is a tricky proposition. You know how they say that two heads are better than one? The Chimera may possess the intelligence of at least a couple of grad school engineering majors, but like all monsters and mammals, she is ultimately a slave to another internal organ—her stomach.
Or is it stomachs? We’re still unclear about the Chimera’s inner workings and we’re not sure we want to know.
The point is, if you really want to care for the Chimera, you need to ensure that she’s well-fed. Trouble is, lions eat meat, snakes eat eggs and bugs, and goats eat . . . Christmas trees or something? So, instead of preparing a beetle-glazed gazelle carcass with tinsel trimmings, why not serve the Chimera something that will tickle each of its taste palettes?
May we recommend a char-roasted demigod? Pan-seared seaweed brain? Pickled satyr horns?
Treat the Chimera to a heroic helping of any of these delectable dishes and we guarantee she’ll be your best friend forever. Just don’t ask us what to do when it’s time to clean up after her. You’re on your own for that one!