Listen up, troops. We have entered that special time of year again. A period that never fails to test our strength, resolve, and fortitude.

You’ve been mentally avoiding it for months. But now’s the time to stand, take a deep breath, and let the reality set in. The holiday season is upon us.

We won’t blame you if you need to take a few minutes to freak out. But sooner or later you’re going to have to accept your next death-defying quest: attending a family gathering.

This is why we’ve called upon the baddest, strongest middle-aged satyr we know, along with his equally tough wife and child. If anyone can help us get our heads on straight and face this holiday season with grit and determination, it’s the Hedge clan.

So, without any further ado . . .

Gleeson Hedge: “All right, all right. Settle down, cupcakes. Let’s not beat around the bush here. You probably know me as the head coach at the Wilderness School. If not that, you know me as the wizened yet relatable mentor of the heroes of Olympus.

“I’m too humble to say it myself, but some people have claimed that I taught those kids everything they know. Gleeson Hedge, at your service.”

Mellie Hedge: “A-hem.”

Gleeson: “Uh, along with my better half, of course. The brilliant and talented Mellie Hedge.”

Chuck Hedge: “Blee!”

Gleeson: “And the apple of my eye, the light of my life, my little boy, Chuck. Less than a year old and he’s already the spitting image of his old man.”

Mellie: “And he’s almost as tall as you, too.”

Gleeson: “All right, enough of that. Let’s get down to business. As you may have heard, Coach has settled down in the last year or so. But don’t get the wrong idea. I’m still the same satyr I ever was. As it turns out, there are a lot of similarities between being a parent and coaching a sports team.

“At the end of the day, it all comes down to making sure a kid doesn’t accidentally get their head busted open.”

Mellie: “As well as making sure to nurture their strengths, teaching them to find grace in their weaknesses, and encouraging them to strive for the best while learning to accept the inevitability of loss. Right, sweetie?”

Gleeson: “Slow down there, Mellie. The kid doesn’t even know how to throw a ball yet.”

Chuck: “Blee!”

Gleeson: “Unless it’s a ball of mashed carrots, of course. And he’s aiming squarely at my head.

“Hmm, maybe he does already have the makings of a natural athlete.”

Mellie: “Perhaps we should get back to the reason we’re here, Gleeson? We know that a lot of people experience anxiety at this time of year.”

Gleeson: “That’s true. If I’ve learned one thing from my years of wrangling demigods, it’s this: you mortals all have family issues. I don’t mean to generalize, but show me a demigod who has a healthy relationship with their parents and I’ll show you a professional boxer who can do long division.”

Mellie: “Don’t be rude. I think what you meant to say was that you’ve developed a few winning strategies for surviving family get-togethers during this holiday season.”

Gleeson: “Not just survive but come out on top! What’s the best way to conquer your fear of next year’s awkward family dinner? You’ve gotta train to be the champion of this year’s awkward family dinner!”

Mellie: “Gleeson, sweetie, I’m sure most people would prefer to avoid fighting with their relatives this year.”

Gleeson: “Who said anything about fighting? ‘Winning’ comes in many shapes and sizes. If any of your good-for-nothing kinfolk tries to start trouble or get a rise out of you, don’t take the bait.”

Mellie: “Exactly. Aggression and hostility need to be snuffed out like a flame. The more you encourage it, the more uncontrollable it becomes.”

Gleeson: “That’s right. If someone says something cruel and insulting, just be the bigger person and just let their hurtful words roll off your back.”

Mellie: “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Gleeson: “And then excuse yourself to use the restroom, take the offender’s fancy shoes out of the closet, smear some peanut butter on them, and let the family dog go to town.”

Mellie: “Oh! Speaking of food, we have found that there is no better antidote for tension at the dinner table than an unforgettable meal.”

Gleeson: “When the grub is good enough, people tend to forget about their petty little problems. So, shut up those big-mouthed relatives of yours with a well-prepared spread.

“I’m talking all the fixings and trimmings necessary for a traditional satyr feast. Tin can casserole. Wild grass salad. Roasted pinecones. Expired fruit salad with extra mold.”

Mellie: “And don’t forget the dessert! I recommend my specialty, ‘Essence of Chocolate Cake.’ The only ingredients are cocoa powder and flour. Oh, and if you’re not a wind nymph like myself, you’ll also need a ceiling fan. You can find the full recipe on my website.”

Gleeson: “Trust me, it’s delicious. Uh, I mean, it evokes deliciousness.”

Mellie: “You’re learning, honey!”

Gleeson: “And the best thing about a good meal? Your loud-mouth relatives can’t share their bone-headed opinions while they’re chowing down. I bet even the family members you like will keep their traps shut when they see how much effort you put into the dishes.

“Mellie, remember a few months ago when we hosted dinner for our buddies from Camp Jupiter?”

Mellie: “Yes! Once Reyna and the others saw what we’d prepared for them, their jaws hit the floor.”

Gleeson: “I know! If only they hadn’t had to leave suddenly for a last-minute emergency camp meeting . . . Ah well, their loss was our gain. Four weeks of leftovers!

“Which reminds me, just because my former pupils would never make up an excuse to get out of a dinner, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have that option.”

Mellie: “Like, you forgot to feed your plants. Or water your pets. Those are normal human behaviors, right?

Gleeson: “Eh, close enough. You could also fake a phone call and tell your host that you were just drafted by the Giants and training starts in a few minutes. Or that you’re being inducted into some hall of fame or something. Or that—”

Mellie: “We need to change the baby.”

Gleeson: “That’s a great excuse, too! One of the top five best reasons to have a kid.”

Mellie: “No, I’m serious. Smell him.”

Gleeson: “Woof! Times like these, I wish he would throw all of his mashed carrots at my head.”

Chuck: “Blee!”

Mellie: “Well, it looks like we have to run. But I do want to remind your readers of a few things before this holiday season. Care for those you love. Ignore those who cause trouble. And remember, everyone is capable of change.

“But not everyone is capable of changing a diaper.”

Gleeson: “She’s speaking for herself, of course. Naturally, I’m a pro at that kind of stuff.”

Mellie: “If only they gave gold medals for fatherhood . . .”

Gleeson: “Wait, they don’t? Then what have I been busting my butt for?”

A million thank-yous to the Hedge family for joining us today. We hope their words of wisdom will inspire and carry you through the holiday season this year.

Just make sure the tin can casserole is at the right temperature before serving . . .