Has this ever happened to you? You meet a mysterious stranger, and you’re totally blown away by their raw charisma. They’re smart, they’re funny, they’re charming. They look like an A-list celebrity.

Almost immediately, you’re willing to toss away your boring, mundane life and follow them wherever they go. But then, as you start to get to know them a little better, you realize that this person might be older than they seem . . . much older. And carrying a lot of baggage. We’re talking once inadvertently caused a massive regional conflict baggage.

Gradually, the thrilling new adventure this person promised becomes a nightmare. A nightmare filled with danger, heartbreak, ancient familial beef, and possibly even missed alimony payments.

Bad news. You may have been catfished by a god or a goddess.

You see, many of the ancient gods and goddesses walk among us. Prowling the mortal world for, at best, companionship, and at worst, fleeting amusement.

How can we protect ourselves from these wily and rapacious deities? By learning how to look past the force of their personality and view them for what they really are. These tips will ensure that you’ll never become a plaything of the gods and goddesses.

Unless, of course, you develop a deep, genuine connection with them. In that case, mazel tov!

But for everyone else, here’s how you can identify a god or goddess in the mortal world before it’s too late.

1. They Love Talking About the Past . . . But Only Vaguely

If there’s one thing that all gods and goddesses love to do, it’s reminisce about “the good old days.” However, this can be a bit tricky when they’re hiding their true identity from a mortal companion.

Occasionally, a deity will slip up and say something like “This boat show reminds me of the outrageous shipwreck I witnessed during the start of the Peloponnesian War,” and try to quickly cover it up by adding, “Uh, on TikTok, I mean.”

Gods and goddesses often struggle with living in the present. When they possess centuries upon centuries of memories—many of them quite traumatic—can you really blame the deities for becoming a bit unglued now and then?

But if you ever hear one gripe about how “dating was easier back when you could transform into a bull to get someone’s attention,” that’s a sign that you should make a graceful exit as soon as possible.

2. They’re a Little Hung Up on Their Exes. Their Many, Many Exes.

And speaking of dating, despite the nasty rumors you may have heard, many gods and goddesses have developed deep, loving relationships with ordinary humans. In some instances, even multiple times a year. Just look at the never-ending stream of demigods who arrive at Camp Half-Blood each season.

But if you mention the past, or somehow trigger a memory, a deity will stare off into the distance. And it can happen multiple times a day.

Their intense longing for something that is no more may sound pretty swoon-worthy, but when every single item at the kitchen store sends them straight into the throes of a tragically romantic flashback, you may want to reassess things.

“I once used a spatula just like this . . . in happier days.”

“This multi-purpose blender brings to mind of the fruit smoothies I shared with . . . someone I haven’t seen in a long time. Someone very special.”

“This sign that reads ‘You break it, you bought it’ is true . . . but what happens when something priceless is broken? Something like . . . a heart?”

This is probably as good a time as any to remind you that most gods and goddesses are already married to one another and have been for centuries.

3. They’re Reluctant to Introduce You to Their Family

Feeling a bit spurned by the fact that your new friend didn’t invite you to their latest dinner party? If they’re a god or goddess, you may end up thanking your lucky stars.

As much as you might like to meet the mysterious cousin who lives in the woods or the distinguished older brother who owns real estate down South—way down South—we can guarantee that these family get-togethers aren’t exactly friendly to mortals.

And we’re not just saying that because, as the gods and goddesses might say, “a human has no place seated among the gods.” The truth is, you should expect less of a secretive, shadowy meeting of the elite and powerful vibe, and more of a ceaseless bickering about centuries-long grudges vibe. In our opinion, you’re better off staying home.

But if you’re really, really determined to party with the gods, we hear they’re always looking for a new cupbearer. As long as you can pass the face test, of course. Sure, it will feel more like work than leisure. Because, well, it is. But if you’re lucky, you may be granted immortality. Say goodbye to your dental plan, though.

4. Strange Children Keep Showing Up at Their Door

If you hang out with a god or goddess long enough, you’re bound to witness at least one bruised, dirty, and exhausted youngster arrive at their home.

This child may claim that they’ve just completed a life-altering journey to retrieve some sort of enchanted goblet, fleece, or blow dryer for your new friend. And they’re desperate to finally connect with their long-lost mother or father.

Your new friend may act startled and confused at first. They may even claim that the child is clearly mistaken and should get lost post-haste. But from the expression in their eyes, you’ll be able to sense that this is a somewhat regular and highly disturbing occurrence.

For mortals, this is always a good time to step aside. Either to go back home and let your new friend deal with whatever emotional climax they’re about to undergo or grab a popcorn bucket and watch what happens next.

5. They Have Little to No Respect for Human Laws or Customs

Does your new friend rage about little things, like parking tickets or long lines at the supermarket? Gods and goddesses are used to getting what they want when they want it, which makes their participation in the human world extra frustrating.

We mortals are used to having our days ruined by minor inconveniences. But when you’re a being capable of controlling all plant life, receiving a slimy kale salad from the bodega on the corner feels like a grave insult. Try to see things from their perspective.

The gods and goddesses have witnessed the births and eventual collapses of countless empires and kingdoms over the years. Why, then, should they respect the systems we currently have in place? They’ve seen what we’ve built before, and they’ll see what we build next.

So give them a break if they throw their jury duty summons in the trash. Or if they don’t know how to open a PDF. We can at least be grateful that they have finally moved beyond blood sacrifices. And free-flowing robes. Phew!

6. They Can Manipulate the Sea, the Weather, the Underworld, etc.

Everyone has their talents. Some would even argue that the limits of human potential haven’t been tested yet. Would it be possible for an average human to learn how to command an army of dolphins, or to catch a bolt of lightning in their hands? Or to raise the dead? Or to transform another average human into a poplar tree?

Sure. Maybe with enough training, studying, and a killer workout regimen. Anything’s possible.

But most gods and goddesses were born with these abilities. And if they ever decide to show you some miraculous feat of strength (don’t hold your breath), you may notice a chilling lack of effort.

Most gods and goddesses take their immense power for granted. Impressive, sure. But maybe this attitude explains why so few of them can maintain human relationships long-term.

All we’re saying is that if your new friend treats complete control of the land and the sea as if it’s nothing . . . well, don’t be surprised when they treat you the same way. Take it from us.

Or maybe we’re just little bitter because, once again, Hermes was late for Pilates class this week. You can only blame midtown traffic so many times . . .

What are some other tell-tale signs of a god or goddess posing as a human? Be sure to let us know!